Friday, June 10, 2016

Cool Ranch

Sleep must make me optimistic because I'm always a little overly excited for my first email check of the day. 
"I bet the president of show business emailed me in the middle of the night!"
 Nope, just my friends at Amazon with an early morning fuck you.


Jesus Amazon. Truthfully, I've never not been at least a little interested in Cool Ranch Doritos, but what recent activity let you know? I think the last thing I bought from you was a shirt. Was it because it was a 2XL so you made some assumptions about my diet? Or maybe it's because I ordered a XL first then sent it back and got a 2XL?  Why not just say
"Based on your recent inactivity, we thought you might be interested in this."
Algorithm's can be cruel. So can genetics. Also $12.30 for an 11oz bag of chips? I blame the legalization of marijuana in my state. Even if you think I'm the kind of customer who wants to get into the chip shipping game Amazon, why not let me know I can get 64 1.75oz bags of Cool Ranch Doritos for $51.76? At 80 cents a bag with free shipping I can't afford to not be interested.




Plus, the reviews are really good.





Most of them anyway.



I think if Charlene was being honest she would admit she felt completely crushed the day she ordered them too.
 
 
 
*Edit
 
The day after I posted this blog Cinnabon followed me on Twitter. Not sure why the cyber universe is giving me this message, but it doesn't feel good. Maybe it's time to go offline and find a safe space. Like a treadmill.

 
 
Oh, and don't bother sending me an email about it Amazon, I already checked.
 
 
 




Saturday, June 4, 2016

Beer Hero

I recently did a show at what I'm just going to call "a casino." I've done the show 4 or 5 times over the years (Okay 9-10) and not only does this casino offer table games, slot machines, a regrettable seafood buffet, indoor smoking, and a free comedy show in the sports bar; it also has a movie theater. The comic I was traveling with Matt Eriksen and I decided before we even got there, that not only were we going to the 10:05pm showing of Captain America: Civil War, but we were going to sneak beer in. I mean we had to right? We are both fathers of 3, making sound well thought out decisions is how we got this far in life. I was thinking I'd stick a couple cans in my pants (Hey Oh!), a couple in my sweatshirt, waddle into the movie theater and call it good, but luckily Matt Eriksen is not such a small thinker.

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."
-Greek Philosopher Seneca

"What if we snuck the beer into the theater in my CPAP machine?
-Matt Eriksen

"Holy shit, are you serious?"
-Me

"Yes."
-Matt Eriksen

"That would be amazing! Also, you have Sleep Apnea?"
-Me

"Yes."
-Matt Eriksen

Anyone can turn lemons into lemonade, but when life gave Matt Eriksen Sleep Apnea, he filled his CPAP machine with a 12 pack of Busch beer and snuck it into a movie theater. That's way more impressive.


And yes of course it was Busch beer. What were we going to sneak a grapefruit infused micro brew into a rural casino movie theater? Not in my America.  Besides this guy looks like a Busch drinker.

 
He also looks like Bane's asthmatic younger brother, but the point is who's going to question this guy on what's inside the bag connected to his breathing machine? Especially at a casino where a lot of people are carting around oxygen tanks. I guess someone else with Sleep Apnea could have seen him and recognized it as a CPAP machine, but even then they probably would have just thought "Jesus I'm glad mine's not that bad, this dude snores when he's awake." Matt got way into character. Put on some sweatpants, made a big production about saying he didn't want Dr. Pepper when we where buying tickets, he went full method actor and it was impressive. I wanted to play along, but all I could do was barely not laugh. When we finally got into the theater I laughed until tears streamed down my face. I am 42 years old and I laughed like a 10 year old who's friend just farted at a sleep over. I felt high before I even started drinking. Luckily Captain America was a good beer sneaking movie. Plenty of on-screen explosions to time our beer openings with. I'm glad we picked that one, we might have really upset the other movie goers with the ill timed crack of a beer during a pivotal scene in The Angry Birds Movie. How was Captain America: Civil War? I gave it 6 beers which means I'm not really sure. It's a little fuzzy. I do know that night in a casino movie theater I learned something. I learned that not all heroes wear costumes. Some heroes don't need a cape and a shield. Sometimes they wear sweat pants and have snoring issues. God bless you CPAPtain America, and may God bless us all.