6 months ago I bet my son $100 that Donald Trump would not be the Republican nominee for president. I know I'm not the first person to bet on America and lose, but it hurts. My son (who insisted I refer to him as @johhnnyr2002 in this post) had been watching CNN and discussing politics in his 7th grade History class and he came home one day very concerned that Donald J. Trump was going to be our next president. Up to that point anyway we hadn't discussed politics much in our house, but at 14 he can recognize a cartoon villain when he sees one. 6 months ago there hadn't even been a primary vote yet, so I told him something along the lines of "Don't worry Trump is a fun media story, but I don't think people will actually vote for him. I don't even think he'll win the Republican nomination."
He responded with "Would you bet $1000 on it?" That's his go to number. I guess in middle school if you believe in something enough then you're willing bet $1000 on it. Back in my day we would pinkie swear, but there's been inflation. I told him I couldn't afford to bet a $1000 but I would bet $100. Then we shook hands. Then because I am a world class gambler I said. "Wait, you don't have $100, what do I get if he's not the Republican nominee?" And he said "A dollar." Typical Sanders supporter.
I like Sanders too. Not everything he says of course; little bit too much "Free college! More money for everybody! We're gonna get pizza in the school vending machines! And no more homework!" for my jaded middle aged dad tastes, but overall I like him. He seems like he genuinely cares about people, and that's important to me. I'm liberal. At least I think I am. About once a week I read or hear something from someone else who calls themselves a liberal that makes me go "What the fuck?" Then turn to my wife and say "We're still liberal right?" I think it's because I'm 42. I used to think people moved to the middle politically when they got older, now I realize maybe they stay in the same spot and the middle moves. I also know that because I have an autobiographical comedy act that doesn't really veer into politics or my opinions on social issues I would probably have a better show at a Trump fund raising event than a Sanders or Clinton one. It doesn't make me happy to say that, but it's true. I think I'd do okay at a Sanders or Clinton fundraiser, but I also know there is a decent chance someone would send an email to the event organizers after the show suggesting "Perhaps in your next event you could go with a more inclusive performer who doesn't just speak from the cisgender heteronormative perspective." That's fine, I can give them some names. I don't pay enough attention to know a lot about politics. I'm not informed enough to have an opinion on NAFTA. I vote Democrat for a very childlike reason. Republicans seem mean. I know some who aren't and I certainly know some Democrats who are, but I'm pro LGBT rights, pro civil rights, pro women's rights, and I think taking care of poor people is something the government should be involved in and spend money on. Maybe Republicans have a better plan for ISIS or a better tax system, but until they stop acting like dicks I'm not going to listen. The irony is over the years conservatives have been very worried on my behalf about how I'm going to explain gay marriage, transgendered people, etc. to my children, but the thing I'm really having trouble explaining is their nominee for president. I have some trouble explaining the Democratic nominee too, so I'm not going to hold that against all of my right leaning friends.
Explaining gay and transgendered people is easy
"Kids, some people are attracted to the opposite gender, some are attracted to the same, and some are attracted to both. Also some people are born a certain gender, but feel like they should be a different one so they change."
My kids ask me about God, aliens, ghosts, and death, do you think Caitlyn Jenner is the topic I'm going to have the most trouble with?
And honestly it's easier to explain to my children why Caitlyn Jenner uses the woman's bathroom than it is to explain why Steven Tyler doesn't.
Trump has been tough to explain to my son. So far all I've got is,
"A lot of white people in this country are so angry and scared that they are willing to vote for a hateful, lying, bullying, racist, orange, misogynist, cotton candy headed,
sociopath, reality show star, because they think it's a blow to the system and some sort of victory against political correctness."
It won't fit on a shitty hat like "Make America Great Again" does, but I think it's just as catchy.
Trump is embarrassing not because his values are unlike most American's values, but because he's like an exaggerated over the top caricature of our stereotypes and faults. He's what we've been trying to convince the rest of the world we aren't. Donald Trump is like if the game Mike Tyson's Punch Out had an "American" character. See someone else thought the same thing.
He's our Vodka Drunkenski.
I just hope we don't elect ours like Russia did.
I guess the "American" character in Mike Tyson's Punch Out is Mike Tyson, who has now somehow become America's most beloved celebrity convicted rapist, which doesn't really speak well of us as a nation either. The new version of the game is just called "Punch Out." Also Vodka Drunkenski is now Soda Popinski. Times change. That's why Billy Cosby's Bartender Tetris is just called Tetris now.
Anyway, I think all of this has taught my son a very valuable lesson. His dad is terrible at gambling. Among other things. Thankfully @johhnnyr2002 took mercy on me and said I only have to pay him $50. I accepted his offer. I guess I'm still liberal enough to take an undeserved hand out.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Sleep must make me optimistic because I'm always a little overly excited for my first email check of the day.
"I bet the president of show business emailed me in the middle of the night!"
Nope, just my friends at Amazon with an early morning fuck you.
Jesus Amazon. Truthfully, I've never not been at least a little interested in Cool Ranch Doritos, but what recent activity let you know? I think the last thing I bought from you was a shirt. Was it because it was a 2XL so you made some assumptions about my diet? Or maybe it's because I ordered a XL first then sent it back and got a 2XL? Why not just say
"Based on your recent inactivity, we thought you might be interested in this."
Algorithm's can be cruel. So can genetics. Also $12.30 for an 11oz bag of chips? I blame the legalization of marijuana in my state. Even if you think I'm the kind of customer who wants to get into the chip shipping game Amazon, why not let me know I can get 64 1.75oz bags of Cool Ranch Doritos for $51.76? At 80 cents a bag with free shipping I can't afford to not be interested.
Plus, the reviews are really good.
Most of them anyway.
I think if Charlene was being honest she would admit she felt completely crushed the day she ordered them too.
The day after I posted this blog Cinnabon followed me on Twitter. Not sure why the cyber universe is giving me this message, but it doesn't feel good. Maybe it's time to go offline and find a safe space. Like a treadmill.
Oh, and don't bother sending me an email about it Amazon, I already checked.