I am writing from the beautiful River Palms Casino where I will be doing shows all week. No seriously I’ll be here all week tip your waitress. I just drove 20 hours almost non-stop so I am pretty retarded right now. Its 115 degrees in Laughlin today and windy. It’s like walking around in a hair dryer. The casino is nice but I’m pissed because my AOL account has no phone number for Laughlin so no internet this week. Who knows when I’ll be able to post this. Plus there is a 50cent charge for all phone calls even with a calling card. This shit would never happen in LasVegas.
Lance Armstrong won his 6th Tour de France this week. In a related story George W. Bush crashed his mountain bike. Really he did. I heard it on the news; he ended up flat on his back. That’s embarrassing there is no cool way to crash your bike. I would say that’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to the president, but once he almost choked to death on a pretzel. I think the president has special needs. I crashed my bike once it hurt. I’ve never choked on a pretzel though. Once I swallowed a Wheat Thin without chewing it properly. It had a jagged little edge that hurt all the way down. That sucked there’s no cool way to swallow a painful cracker.
Mary Kate Olson has completed her six week treatment program for anorexia. She released a statement saying “I am relieved to be finished, and I can’t wait to go home and puke in my own toilet.”
Her sister Ashley also released a statement saying “I really hope my sister isn’t anorexic anymore because I totally don’t want to be known as the fat one.”