Ok here are some jokes I wrote that never worked. Please when you read these jokes imagine my soothing fairly gay sounding voice is saying them. Thats how I got through Seinfields book. Well not with my voice I used his voice, but you get the idea.
1.I dont like it when people say they "adopted" their pets. I think that is insulting to people who were adopted. It makes it seem like their parents picked them out of a cardbboard box out in front of Safeway. "Oh look honey aren't they cute? Can we take home the Korean one?"
Hmm not funny and offensive, thats comedy gold.
2.I dont like Christmas time cause every year someone asks me the same thing "How old were you when you found out the whole Christmas thing was just a myth? Where you mad at your parents?" I hate that question because I was a teenager before I figured it out. And of course I was mad at my parents. I mean when I found out the whole Jesus Christ thing was just a myth....
I told that joke about the 5th time I was ever on stage. I remember riding home with my wife in the car and saying "So thats what bombing feels like."
3. I thought I lost weight but it turns out I just had my pants on backwards.
Ok first of all that joke is retarded. Its so retarded Larry the Cable guy would kill with it. But besides that I have no ass, so the joke doesn't make sense.
4.They have NASCAR everything now. Everything in the grocery store is the official product of NASCAR. They've got NASCAR peanut butter, NASCAR bottled water, NASCAR paper towels. NASCAR paper towels? Whats next commemorative Dale Earnhardt toilet paper? "Now I can remember number 3 everytime I go number 2."
Anytime you can fit shit and NASCAR into a bit its not all bad, but its still a dumb joke. Plus it could get me killed in some parts of the country.
5.You know what I like about black people? I like it when I see a black family and they are all dresssed the same. You see that a lot, like everyone in the family is wearing the same sweatsuit. Even the little baby's got on the same Nike's. They look organized, they look like a team, like just in case the Black family Olympics breaks out they'll be ready. White families dont really dress alike. The only time you will see a white family dressed the same is if they are in the Boy Scouts. You know a couple of kids and the dads the Scoutmaster. And thats just sad. There is nothing sexy about a 40 year old man in a water safety badge.
Ok that bit actually worked a little bit, but it ignores a very important rule of comedy. White people are not allowed to talk about black people unless it is in regards to penis size.
My favorite part of the bit is the opening line "You know what I like about black people?" Oh just to feel the collective asshole of the room tighten was reward enough.
Ok thats enough bad jokes for now