Monday, May 9, 2005

A lot of my house just got remodeled. Thanks mother-in-law/landlord. I must be old because a sliding glass door in my bedroom makes me way happier then it should. Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger got married. Ok how do you go from dating an alternativo guy in the White Stripes, to marrying a country singer who wears an Extra Large cowboy hat and a child's medium t-shirt. One time I did a show in Iowa when Kenny Chesney was having a show there. Several of Kenny's drunk female fans who came to my show, told me that Kenny has had chest implants. They said it was pretty common knowledge. I don't know if it's true, but I hope it is, because I've been calling him Kenny "fake" Chestney ever since. Try it, it's fun. Every picture I've ever seen of Renee Zellweger she looks like she forgot to wear her glasses. It's the exact expression a man doesn't want to see from a woman when he takes his pants off.In other Jerry Maguire news, Tom Cruise is now going out with Katie Holmes. Ok Tom we get it, you're not gay. Yesterday I yelled at a guy in the Safeway parking lot. I was walking out with little Johnny Rutledge, and he was throwing a fit because he wanted to ride the mechanical car in front of the store. Actually I did let him ride it for about 5 minutes but then I pulled him off cause, you know I have shit to do. So I'm holding a screaming toddler in one arm and pushing the cart with other towards the car. At this point a man with a beard 35-40 comes over puts his face about 2 feet from Johnny and starts fake crying at him really loud. Like "Waaaaaaaaaaa!" "Waaaaaaaaaah!" Me "What the fuck are you doing?"Man "I'm getting him to stop crying."Me "If I wanted your help I'd ask for it. Why don't you mind your own goddamn business before I kick your fucking ass!"Man "Whatever."Then he got in his van. First of all I believe that is the first time in my life I've used the words "Kick your fucking ass." Hopefully the last. I really need to work on my angry banter.Second of all this proves what I've always believed. Not everyone who drives a van is an asshole, but every asshole does drive a van.

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