Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I killed

I just finished reading a book called "I Killed." It's a collection or road stories from hundreds of different comics. A lot of the stories were way better then mine, and a lot of them sounded very familiar. If you are a comic it's a must read, and if you're not and you want a scary little peak into the world of a "road comic" it's a great book for that too. There is some really crazy shit you get to see as a comedian. I think I spend a lot of time trying to pretend it's not so, but this is a really fucking weird job. In the month of December i have been heckled, I have been threatened, I have bombed horribly, and I have killed. In three different time zones too. And here's the thing. I'm really goddamn funny! It's not like I'm just learning, this is just the reality of my job. On Dec 2nd in St. Cloud Minnesota I was told by someone after the show "You are the best comedian I have ever seen." On Dec 13th in Sequim Washington I was told by someone during the show "You suck." This is a bi-polar job. The guy in Sequim didn't actually yell out "you suck" during the show. What happened is he and his group of friends talked and yelled to each during my entire show occasionally looking up to make a disparaging comment about me to their friends. So at one point I addressed it and said something like "Hey really noisy table thats been ignoring me for 45 minutes, what's going on?" Them "Hey its her 21st Birthday!" and pointed to what appeared to be the drunkest girl at the table. Me "Well happy birthday I you have really cheap friends. 'Hey its your birthday, lets go to the free comedy show at the casino and yell shit at the comedian all night."Them "Yeah well we didn't know you would suck."Me "Well I didn't know you would be an asshole, so I guess were even."
Just another day at the office. I also had this gem yelled at me recently after pointing out to a large redneck that his drunken ramblings had taken on a somewhat gay tone.
"Yeah well we were going to fuck her(pointing the opening comic Susan Jones) and beat you up, but now I'm gonna fuck you, and beat her up!."
I also did a Christmas party for a Plumbing company a few weeks ago. When I arrived I noticed there were kids running around everywhere. I immediately started to panic and found the person in charge.Me "Uh yeah, are all these kids going to be at the show?"Her "Yeah, but don't worry about it, they're plumbers kids."Me "Wow. I was not told there would be kids here. I have no problem not swearing, but I'm doing an hour show and there is definetly some adult content. Nothing obscene, but its not really for kids."Here "Oh they're plumbers kids it will be fine."
She was very, very wrong. It was not fine. I was attempting to tell jokes while toddlers played with match box cars at my feet. One kid ran by and tripped over the mic cord and unplugged it. There was no stage I was just on the floor. Kids were just running up to me and yelling stuff that I was forced to respond too, I was doing crowd work with children. I tried to do jokes, but I got groans and disapproval for more my most mild material. Fucking plumber bastards groaning me. Get a baby sitter you cheap fucks! I can't do comedy at a day care. Thats what i said in my head anyway. God did I bomb. I froze. I really had no idea what to say. I started talking to the biggest drunkest plumber I could find and I was getting a few laughs out of him. At one point he started talking and the guy sitting next to him tried to get him to be quiet. At that point I heard one of the saddest things I've ever heard while performing. "Don't shush me, I'm trying to help him he's dying up there." He was right. I really can't tell you what transpired the rest of the show, my brain won't allow me to remember. That show was like a creepy uncle. What it did to me, will only come out through deep hypnosis. I can tell you that at some point I ended up arm wrestling the big drunk plumber. He won. I got my check without making eye contact and when I got into the car I almost started crying, instead I started laughing. A few weeks later I'm still laughing. Why not, that story could have been in the book. Lots of the road stories in the book were about hell gigs. And they were told by Drew Carey, Jerry Seinfeld, Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White, Paul Reiser, Chris Rock, the list goes on. I'm just a part of the fraternity. I should call those guys.

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