Last week I was working at Comedy Connxtions in Lansing Michigan. And yes that's how they spell connections. My second day in Lansing I woke up with what I thought were hives all over my arms. I blamed it on everything from the hotel soap to bad Chinese food. But when I got home and did a little googling, I learned the horrible truth about these.
Yeah these little blood sucking son of a bitch bed bugs, used me as a buffet while I was sleeping. It was a nice hotel too. Hampton Inn. They even give free cookies in the lobby. You know because it's nice to have a snack when you're covered in itchy sores. (I think The Itchy Sores opened for the Sex Pistols back in '77.) Before I went to bed as a kid my parents used to say, "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!" I didn't even think bed bugs existed when I was a kid, otherwise that might have creeped me out. Now that I know bed bugs are a legitimate threat, maybe I should re-evaluate my other childhood fears. Maybe I should look under the bed for the Boogieman next time I'm at a Super 8. I can't believe that of all the hotels I've stayed in the Hampton Inn is the one I got something from. I've stayed in some scary places. At least 3 or 4 times a year I open the door to my hotel room and think "Well there's no way I'm staying here sober." A few months ago I spent a terrifying weekend in Twin Falls Idaho at the Twin Falls Motel and Spider Sanctuary.
Wow. It's the only time I've ever gotten into bed alone and still felt like I should wear a condom. The funny part was there was Jesus paraphernalia everywhere in the room. Crosses all over the walls, a picture of Jesus above the T.V., some bible verses on the back of the toilet, a W.W.J.D.? poster above the bed. What would Jesus do? I don't know, maybe see if his dad would book a room at the Best Western across town, so he didn't have to stay in that shit hole. Or at least he'd turn the oddly colored tap water into wine, so he wouldn't have to stay there sober either. I guess they'd never heard of "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." You can usually tell you're in trouble when you check into the hotel and they give you an actual metal key. Locally owned equals gross when it comes to hotels. Give me a room card key at a chain hotel any day, at least there the only Jesus paraphernalia you'll see is around the neck of the maid. I don't mean to blame Jesus for bad hotels. I'm pretty sure he just couch surfed anyway. Maybe I need to re-think my chain vs.local hotel theory anyway. The locally owned Twin Falls Motel just gave me a case of the heebie jeebies. The Hampton Inn in Lansing is the only place I've ever been bug raped while I slept. I also learned in my horrifying bed bug research, that bed bugs don't like hair. That's why I only got bites on my arms, shoulders, a few on my knee, and a few on my back. The glorious man pelt I grow on most of my body saved me from further trauma. If I was a body waxed metro sexual, or I guess Asian, I'd have been in real trouble. I am almost healed now, thanks to the constant crying and showering. Next week I go to Toledo Ohio. Maybe I'll get Cooties.