I think the biggest surpise of adulthood is I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing. When I was a kid it always seemed like adults had their shit together. Now that I'm 34 I know they were just faking it like I am. I actually felt like I was a lot more with it 10 years ago when I delivered pizza and played drums in a punk rock band. (One quick drummer joke. How do you know when a drummer is standing at your door? When he's holding a pizza! Ok, one more. What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless! Ok, I lied one more. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer!) Of the douche bags I hung out with ten years ago I was the most adult like responsible one. I had a job, I had a drivers license, I wasn't a drug addict, I didn't live with my mom. Now that I'm a parent I don't get to hold myself to so low a standard anymore. When my son is 30 and someone asks him about his father, I don't think he's going to say "Oh my dad was great, he had a drivers license!" I miss only having to worry about me. It's no wonder I'm out of my goddamn mind half the time, I've got a 5 year old and a 4 month old I'm trying not to ruin, that's a lot of responsibility. I miss my pre-parenting years of suspended adolescence. It's nice to only be able to fuck up your own life. That's what my wife and I like to reminisce about with each other. "Remember when you were my biggest problem?" "Yeah that was nice." There's not a lot of immediate reward in parenting either. We just kind of hope were doing the right thing. When they end up in prison later I guess we can re-evaluate our child rearing strategy. During a good week, I feel like I have made a serious parenting error at least twice. During a bad week...well I'll probably write a blog about how hard parenting is. If I start feeling too bad, that's when I know it's time to take a midnight trip to Walmart, so I can watch sleep deprived, rat tailed toddlers, screaming their lungs out while they drink Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle. Seeing parents that are obviously shittier then me always makes me feel better. Scientist call that the "Jerry Springer Effect." At least Walmart's real. Brad and Angelina make parenting look way too good when you see their picture in "US Weekly." They look all sexy walking down the street with their 14 kids from different countries walking next to them like a Sunny D commercial. Good for them, but I bet Brad has been hit in the nuts at least once this week, and Angelina has had to change her shirt because it had poop on it at least twice. It just hasn't been photographed. Maybe that could be in US Weekly's "Stars, they're just like Us" section. "Angelina Jolie was spotted this week trying to clean baby shit off her arm in the ladies room of a Texaco gas station. Brad was in the men's room trying to rinse off a car seat in the sink."
Just so you know, I do love my kids. A lot. I'm just venting. If your mom would have done that occasionally she might not have had to take Valium. I love my kids, but I won't say I can't imagine my life without them, because I can. It's a life with a lot more sleep, and a lot less crying, but that's not the point. The other day I was playing with Johnny and he said "Daddy you're goofy." I said "Yup. I'm the goofiest dad in town." He said "No you're not, you're the bestest daddy in town." I know it might not make much sense if you don't have kids, but I'd rather have a shitty day with one moment like that, then a good day without a moment like that.