First of all if you have ever said any of these things to me or any other comedian, I'm not mad at you. I'm sure every occupation has a list of annoying things they have to hear. I'm sure Plumbers get annoyed when people tell them to pull up their pants. I'm sure Catholic priests get annoyed when people tell them to pull up their pants too. This is just my list.
1. "You're a comedian? Tell me a joke."
This is why I don't really tell people I'm a comedian. Why do I have to tell you a joke? Do I have to prove I'm funny to you before you will believe I'm a comedian? I don't understand the logic. I doubt anyone would ever say "Oh you're a proctologist? Well stick your finger in my butt." Look I know that some people think that as a comedian I'm supposed to walk around with a lampshade on my head making wisecracks all day, but sometimes I just want to sleep on the plane and not have to entertain the guy in the seat next to me. Plus I don't tell jokes that you can say to someone on the plane or in line at the bank. My jokes don't start with "Two guys walk into a bar.." That's not really what modern stand-up comedy is. If you want to hear those jokes check your email. And that leads me to annoying thing number
2. "Here's a joke you can put in your act."
Usually the people that say this have just seen me on stage for 45 minutes. They know what style of comedy I do, yet they still tell me the most vile, offensive, racist joke and expect me to love it. And I guess they don't understand that I wrote the 45 minutes of material they just saw saw me perform. That was taken from my life and my experiences. I'm not up their telling dirty jokes my friends emailed me. The grossest joke anyone ever told me I could "put in my act" was from this cowboy in Texas. After the show he came up to me and said
"Here's a joke you can use. Ask me how poor I am."
Me "Um how poor are you?"
Cowboy "I'm so broke I've gotta jerk off the dog to feed the cat."
Me".....................wow, that's pretty broke."
3. "You should hang out with us, you'd get so much material!"
No I wouldn't. I get this a lot after shows from the "girls night out" group who all work at the same office. Look I'm sure you ladies are a wacky bunch, and I'm sure you crack each other up at the copy machine. But that doesn't mean I can talk about you on stage and have other people laugh. I don't think I've ever heard a good joke start with "I was hanging out with these ladies who worked at the same office the other night, man they were crazy!"
4. "You're going to put this in your act aren't you?"
Anytime something slightly amusing happens in my presence I hear this one. "Your going to talk about this onstage aren't you?" Yes I am. I'm going to go on stage and tell the audience that I was at a barbecue and someone dropped the potato salad. And then no one will laugh.
5."How much money do you make doing this?"
Look stranger. I don't even know your fucking name. Mind your own business. I make enough that I traveled to your town and entertained you, that's all you need to know. You just paid $4 to see me in the lounge of a Travelodge hotel. Obviously I'm a millionaire. Maybe I should just tell them the truth. "How much money do I make?..I'm so broke I've got to jerk off the dog to feed the cat."