My son Johnny turned 6 today. It seems like just yesterday he was only 5 years and 364 days old. He was a bit of an ass today, truth be told. He's done that his last few birthdays, he gets a little excited by all the presents and attention and sort of loses his shit. I'm going to try it on my next birthday. After I open all my presents I'll be like "Is that it? I want more!" And then my wife can whisper to my parents "Sorry he gets a little crazy on his birthday." Then I'll eat cake and ice cream until I get diarrhea. It'll be kind of like last year now that I think about it.
I'm 6 deal wth it.
Last Comic Standing starts on NBC this week. My wife isn't very happy about it. She knows I'll be setting the Tivo so I can watch people who I have worked with get famous, while I drink and curse. Kind of like a professional baseball player watching a World Series he's not in. I do know a few of the comics who are going to be on Last Comic Standing this year, and I wish them the best. Seriously. Even the ones who aren't as good as me. I didn't even audition. The tryouts for Last Comic Standing and America's Next Top Model where on the same day, and I went with my gut and tried out for America's Next Top Model. In hindsight that may have been an error. The modeling world doesn't respect guts, and it's their loss.
Today my wife, our baby girl, and myself were walking through the grocery store, and a random woman sitting at a Starbucks said to us as we were passing by. "Did you guys adopt a baby? That's really nice of you."
Yeah it would have been nice of us, except we didn't adopt her. I said "No she's not adopted", but the lady didn't really respond. I think she was mentally ill and possibly homeless. You could kind of see it in her eyes and in her camouflage jacket she was wearing inside a grocery store at 9:30 in the morning. Maybe she was hoping we'd adopt her, I don't know. Or maybe it was her way of saying to my wife "There's no way you had sex with that guy is there? You guys adopted right? I actually felt like I let the lady down though. Like I had to apologize. "No ma'am we didn't adopt. This baby was born out of lust, and we apologize. We've asked God to forgive us and we hope you can do the same."
I'm a lust baby!