Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Cold medicine makes me feel old

I've been sick. Thanks for asking. I thought I just had a regular cold, which is shitty enough, but I got a sinus infection too. That seems to happen a lot now. I guess after 34 years of life my sinuses don't work as well as they used too. Must be all that coke I did with Robin Williams in the 70's. Actually I've never done coke, and I think I'm a little old to start now. I would enjoy the weight loss, but I don't think my body could handle it. At 34 I'm not adding to the list of things I want to do. The only thing on my "Bucket List" is buying a massage chair. And I know 34 is not that old, but there is already a list of things that used to be enjoyable but now end up hurting me. It's like the opposite of a bucket list. I guess it's kind of a fuckit list.

1. Playing basketball. For a few years I used to play every Sunday. In the beginning I just worried about my jump shot, and playing a good game. Towards the end a "good game" became a game were I didn't hurt myself. The last game I played I hurt my ankle so bad, I made that sound that cats make when you step on their tail. I really messed it up. I didn't have health insurance at the time, so I don't really know how bad it was, but it was bad enough that I haven't braved a basketball court since. The good news is my ankle can tell you when it's going to rain.

2. Eating a lot. Ok let me explain. My physique makes it pretty obvious to the casual observer that I enjoy a high calorie snack on occasion. I still eat too much, but 10 years ago if I ate an entire Large pizza the only side effect was shame and man boobs. Now if I eat an entire Large pizza not only is there shame and man boobs but also a lot of pooping. For like a week, it's horrible.

3. Having sex on the floor. Look it seems good in the moment, but really should not be attempted without those knee pads roofers wear. It's weird in the heat of the moment it's very difficult to tell the difference between "Oh my god!" like this feels really good, and "Oh my God!" like I just pulled a hamstring.

4. Staying up late. I still stay up late, it comes with my job, but usually when I stay up late I know I get to sleep in or nap the next day. Back in the day I'd stay up drinking till 6am, get up for work at 9am, then play basketball, eat a large pizza, and have sex on the floor. If I stay up until 5 now, then get up with my kids at 7, It's like I'm high on cough syrup. Except not as much fun. I'm just a mumbling mess who curses under my breath into my coffee all day. Even 5+ years ago when my son was a baby, it didn't seem that difficult to get up with him in the middle of the night. This first time my daughter got up in the middle of the night 4 months or so ago, my wife and I just looked at her like "Your fucking kidding right?"

5.Driving long distances. I used to love a road trip, just get in the car and go. Now I need to stop to pee and get snacks every other exit. About 5 years ago I drove 25 straight hours from St. Cloud Minnesota to Olympia Washington. I only did the last 5 hours because a giant Pterodactyl wearing a diaper and a "Git-R-Done" hat was chasing me. Of course that could be the 48 consecutive cups of coffee talking. I know I couldn't do that trip now though. I drove 13 hours straight a few months ago and I still have scoliosis in the shape of a Kia Spectra seat.

6. Watching Horror movies. I've never been a huge fan, but they never bothered me like they do now. I can't even watch the previews anymore without getting jumpy. "The Grudge","The Ring", "Saw","Hostel" I haven't seen any of those and I'm not going too. The last scary movie I saw was "Deuce Bigelow." It doesn't help that I was raised super religious and the first horror movie I ever say "The Omen" was presented like it was a documentary. When my wife wasn't looking I made sure and checked both my kids scalps for the mark of the beast. I didn't see any 666 symbols, but I did find a Cheerio.

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