Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Under New Management

The Texaco gas station near my house is under new management. I know this because they have a giant "New Management" sign in the window. I have never understood these signs. Maybe the new owner has just fulfilled their life long dream of Mini-Mart ownership, and good for them, but I don't think anyone cares. Maybe they're hoping the sign will make them the talk of the town.
"Honey where do you want to go to dinner tonight?"
"Well I heard the Texaco is under new management, maybe we should go down and see if we can get food poisoning from a burrito!"

Once I even saw a "Under New Management" sign on an adult bookstore. I don't think porn store patrons are really that concerned about management. It's not really a customer service industry. I don't think anyone has ever walked out of an adult bookstore pissed off like "Just so you know I will never be back here! I will not be talked down too when I'm renting German scat porn!"
Shame really lowers your retail expectations.
I've been to a porn store twice(and by twice I mean at least 5 times) in my life, and I can't tell you much about the experience. I just kept my head down, and tried to avoid eye contact. Ok, that last sentence didn't really come out the way I wanted it too. I meant I was keeping my head down and avoiding contact because I was embarrassed to buy something, not because I was in the back "arcade" enjoying another man's company.
The Texaco station by my house does not have an arcade. Unless that's one of the changes "new management" wants to make. Take out the beer cooler and put in some viewing booths. They do sell porn magazines at the gas station though. At least that's what my friend told me. That's actually a pretty ballsy purchase. A Hustler magazine, some beef jerky, and fill 'er up on pump 8.
I will probably continue to go to the Texaco no matter what management it's under, because it's convenient. If they really wanted to spark interest they would put up a sign that said "This gas station now speaks English!" Ok that sounded slightly racist, and I apologize. It's not personal. I'm sure if I had to work at a gas station in Pakistan or China, I would have some trouble too. I have nothing against the hard working new Americans who seem to make up a lot of the convenience store industry, but sometimes I just want to get $20 on pump 5 and a pack of gum and be on my way.
Him "You want 5 gum packs for 20 dollar?"
Me "No...I want to get $20 on pump 5, and a pack of gum"
Him "Ok you pump 5 dollar gas, and then give my 20 dollar for gum and I give you change.
"Me "No, I want to get 20 dollars of gas on pump number 5. And...I also want to buy this gum."
Him " We don't sell gun here!"
10 minutes later I leave with a pack of condoms, two lottery tickets, and $2.38 of gas in my tank. Just enough to get me to the porn store.

I wish I could speak another language. I speak a little restaurant Spanish, that's about it. "Mas platos por favor." (More plates please.) My son is fascinated with other 'anguages. He means languages but when you're 5 the L is silent. He even asked me what language God speaks. I felt like I had an ice cream headache for about 30 seconds then I told him I didn't know, maybe all of them. Then he said something that until a few years ago had never been said by any child in the history of mankind. "Daddy will you type it into Google and see what language God speaks?" So I did. I got a few answers as you might imagine. The first three answers were 1.God spoke Hebrew. 2. He speaks the language of love. And 3. He speaks to our soul. So according to Google, God is a Jewish Barry White. Or maybe Al Green, cause I think he's actually a preacher.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

God, porn, son

I laughd outloud at the labels for this blog post.

damon said...

"Under new management", means, " we cleaned the bathroom".

If you're gonna speak restaurant Spanish, you gotta know, "donde esta el bano?"

It's mucho important dude.