Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Thrifty Rebel

A lot of times when comedians work comedy clubs we stay at the "comedy condo." It's cheaper for the club to rent an apartment or condo and have all the comics stay there, then it is to pay for 2 or 3 hotel rooms every week. For some reason even if it's an apartment or house, it's always called the "comedy condo." Not sure why. I guess it's one of those comedy rules from the 80's the comedy business still abides by. We still get paid like it's the 80's so I guess it makes sense. Actually that's not true, we get paid less then comics did in the 80's. Some comedy condo's are beyond disgusting. I'm sure they start out nice, but comics are not the cleanest or most responsible tenants. And thanks to our lifestyle choices we vomit a lot. Right on to the rarely cleaned comedy condo carpet. The worst one I ever stayed in was in Tucson. I can say that because the club changed owners and got rid of the condo. The Tucson condo was the kind of place you didn't take your shoes off ever. Even in the shower. You didn't want to risk the foot herpes. It was a sort of tanish carpet with giant brown stains everwhere. It sort of looked like a map of the world. The second time I stayed there they covered the whole carpet with those clear plastic runner things your grandma probably had on her carpet. It was clear plastic though. It looked like you were walking on top of a shit stain aqaurium. They didn't have air conditioning either, just a swamp cooler. Swamp coolers are great if you want 115 degrees to feel like 102. I don't think I ever fell asleep sober in Tucson. Last weekend I stayed a brand sparkling new condo in Richland Washington. Super clean. No stains, no swamp cooler issues, very clean very nice. I definetly could have slept there sober. I'm not saying I did, but I'm saying I could have. They actually had a rule posted on the fridge, that "Absolutely no alchoholic beverages are allowed in the condo." Really? An "absolutely no heroin" rule I get. A "no selling weed" rule I get. A "please don't have sex with our waitstaff" rule I get. A "no masturbating while the curtains are open" rule might be a good idea. Even a "please no snorting coke off of a hookers chest" rule makes sense. But no alchohol? Is there a Mormon church camp staying there the nights the comics aren't? I had to drink alchohol while i was there just on principle. That's right society I don't abide by your rules, I'm whats known as a rebel. Well I don't know if anyone drinking Michelob Ultra Amber beer can really be considered rebel. A low carb rebel I guess. I really should have picked a tougher drink, but it was on sale. There's nothing wrong with a rebel saving a few bucks. Every dollar I save on beer I put in my "rainy day snort coke off a hookers boobs fund" My kids can go to community college.


David said...

I'm ok with rules as long as they make sense and have a purpose. Otherwise, they are just there to be broken.

Any any rule that says no alcohol is just stupid. If God didn't want us to drink alcohol, Jesus wouldn't have turned water into wine.

Anonymous said...

I like these introspective glimpses into the life of a comedian. It helps me stave off the dream of quitting my job and hitting the road to be a comedian.

Harris said...

hey standup dad,

While doing some shows in PA a couple months ago, they put me in the room in the basement...there weren't even any windows.

I felt like I was in Best In Show -

"On the bright side, you are next to the kitchen..."

rock on,


L Ferg said...

Oh yes..The Tucson condo...It where all the bodies are buried. The new Tucson condo is like staying at the Paris hotel in Vegas in comparison..or so I think. I've never stayed at the Paris because when I played there..they put us up in the condo.