Saturday, September 12, 2009

Flying stinks sometimes

I'm in Cedar Rapids Iowa. Jealous? I made my second appearance on the Bob and Tom radio show on Tuesday. Now a million or so people know my middle name is Antelope. And that I kind of look like a lesbian. Maybe I share too much. I fly home tomorrow. Southwest airlines is the only airline where you have to use strategy when seating yourself. You do have to board the plane in a certain order, but once you're on, you can sit wherever you want. I always try and get a window seat. On the way here though as soon as I boarded the plane the sky waitress said "All the window and aisle seats are taken, only middle seats left." Ok here's where some decisions need to be made. Here's the people I try and not sit next to.
1. Fat people. I know a bit of a double standard since I'm a chubby fella myself. But I can't fly Seattle to St. Louis with my spine in the shape of the letter C. I like to be the fattest person in my row.

2. Babies/kids. Again, I know it's a double standard. I have my own annoying children who I fly with occasionally. But I don't want too. The yelling, crying,food throwing, and poop smells are bad enough when it's my family, when it's someone else's it feels like I'm flying Walmart Airlines.

3. Non English speaking people. If your gonna talk shit about me I want to understand it. Actually the only thing that bothers me about the non English is when I have to get up to use the bathroom I have to use this charades, mime, sign language to get them to understand. By the way, don't point to your penis and then make a flushing motion. They're not going to think your talking about the bathroom.

I didn't sit next to any of that on my flight. After a quick scan I settled for a seat in between a 60ish white, rich looking business man, and a 50ish black gentleman who looked kind of like Benson. It seemed like a safe choice and after thinking those thoughts about people who don't speak English, sitting next to a black guy would re-affirm to myself that I wasn't racist. As soon as I sat down Benson said to me. "wow looks like a full flight today." Actually I'm not sure about the second half of that sentence I kind of stopped listening when his breath hit me like a rotten meat blow dryer. Sweet Jesus. It smelled like the rotting carcus of a possum that died from gingivitis. I think I actually made an audible "uh" noise when it hit me. I would rather have sat next to a 400 pound woman with triplets then have to smell skunk mcmuffin breathe for 3 and 1/2 hours. I actually offered him gum. And he said no! If a stranger offers you gum. Take it! He's not just being friendly.

1 comment:

jane said...

I understand your sentiments. We do have the same ones. Thanks for sharing an interesting post. Good luck on making people laugh. That's talent and skill. By the way, these best gifts that you could give your better-half might interest you too. Thanks and have a nice and fulfilling day.