I volunteered at Johnny's school yesterday. Actually that's not true. I guess I should say I attempted to volunteer yesterday. When I got there his teacher asked if I could make some copies for her. Ok fine, I thought maybe I'd read a book or help with an art project or something, but if she needs copies made I can do that. Except it was a lot of copies, it was a stack of books with sticky notes taped to them that said things like "24 copies of pages 11-30." Ok. In my defense I have never worked in an office ever. I am qualified to tell jokes and fold pizza boxes, that's about the extent of my work experience. This copy machine was like some NASA computer. There were 50 buttons and options and a touch screen, and I think maybe even a foot pedal I'm not sure. Apparently I hit the "fuck things up as quickly as possible" button because I had a paper jam within 2 minutes. The nice office lady fixed that for me. Then apparently I hit the "freeze everything" button, because I couldn't get anything to happen. If there was a "Panic" button I would have hit that. I didn't want the office lady to have to deal with me again, so I just grabbed all my books and sticky notes and left the office. Then I called my wife to tell her I was in over my head. She was driving nearby and said "do you want me to come by and do it?" Yes. Yes I do. I should have just gone back to the classroom and said I couldn't do it, but to be honest even at age 35, I'm kind of scared of a 1st grade teacher. So I let my wife save me. She used to be an office manager, she's way more qualified. I took Maisy home, she stayed at Johnny's school. The only problem was later in the day I had to go back to the school because I'd promised Johnny I'd go to lunch with him. The second I poked my head back in the classroom some first grade girl said "Hey I heard you got stuck in a copy machine!" And then all the 6 and 7 year olds had a good laugh at me. I have a feeling the next time I volunteer the teacher is going to treat like I'm a special needs parent. "Today I'm going to have you sharpen pencils. Do you think you can do that? Look I got you some safety goggles so you won't stab yourself in the eye."
I liked volunteering for kindergarden better. They let me play with Playdough.