Thursday, April 8, 2010

Oh Canada

I'm getting ready to spend a relaxing evening at the Econolodge in Edmonton. It's conveniently located right next to some train tracks. Convenient if you want to become a hobo, or just don't like sleeping. It's not just the sound of trains going by either, they actually stop and hook up to other trains right behind the hotel. Every hour or two there's a bunch of rumbling, screeching, and clanging. I don't think anyone will ever sell "Sounds of the Railroad" as a relaxation CD.
I'm working at the Comedy Factory this week. It's the best club I've ever worked in a bowling alley next to "Wicker World", and I'm not just saying that. Wicker World is an entire store of wicker. It's a dream come true for people who like sitting on things that make their ass look like a waffle when they stand up. I looked in the window and it's just wall to wall uncomfortable poky shit. Wicker is the perfect furniture for people who don't want their guests to stay very long. "Wicker World" is a better name then "Uncomfortable Poky Shit World", though I'll give them that.
The Comedy Club is all right, but when I'm on stage I can actually here the sounds from the bowling alley that's downstairs. I like to pretend the sound of bowling pins falling is applause. I don't think anyone will ever sell a "Sounds of the Bowling Alley" as a relaxation CD either.
I had an easy time with Canadian Customs today. The drug sniffing dog didn't find the heroin I had hidden in my rectum, so all is well. Thank god they don't have a drug sniffing gerbil, I'd be fucked.
Flying seems to be easier as far as Customs goes. Usually when I drive across the border the tell me to go park my car and go into a separate building where I guess they try and figure out if I'm really a comedian or not. Last time I drove across I had just enjoyed a breakfast burrito from Jack in the Box, so I decided I'd throw my garbage away as I walked into the building. There were no garbage cans in front of the building so I ended up walking in holding a Jack in the Box bag. I couldn't find a garbage inside either so I made the mistake of asking one of the Customs Officers "Hey is there a garbage can in here, where I could throw this away?" He immediately became suspicious. "No, there is not sir. What is in the bag?" I said "Umm.. just garbage." He said "OK go sit down on that bench, don't put the bag anywhere, don't go to the bathroom just sit down and don't move." I guess he thought I was trying to throw drugs away. I had to sit there holding my smelly breakfast burrito bag, while they searched my car for evidence. After seeing all the garbage in my car they probably thought I was part of some fast food garbage drug smuggling ring. They probably radioed for backup. "OK we've found bags from Jack in the Box, Burger King, McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC, and Arby's, this things bigger then we thought." I was eventually allowed into Canada. They probably figured my eating habits would be good for their economy.

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