Friday, September 2, 2011

Bless me Father for I have sinned....'s been 8 weeks since my vasectomy. So yesterday I had to bring a sample cup of my stuff in for testing. It was a little more embarrassing than I thought it would be. Not the act itself. It was actually kind of nice to do that on doctors orders. I felt like I accomplished something on my To Do list.
1. Wait for wife to take kids somewhere
2. Ejaculate into cup provided by Group Health
3. Drive cup to Group Health
Busy day.
I didn't get embarrassed until the part where I had to hang out in the Lab waiting room while holding a paper bag that had a cup with my semen inside of it. I guess every man with a ball sack has a bag with semen in it, but this felt different. I'm not sure people even noticed I was holding a paper bag, and if they did they couldn't see what was inside of it, but I felt like everyone in the room was thinking "That guy just jerked off."  Or they thought it was a stool sample. Either way I was hoping I didn't look sweaty, that would have made it worse.
  The good news is, no sperm to be found. I guess a tiny part of me wanted to be so fertile that even a severed vas deferens couldn't stop my swimmers. Then that tiny part of me remembered the surgery and shut the hell up. Everyone kept telling me a vasectomy was "nothing." "It's nothing man, don't even worry about it, it's a walk in the park." Really? What terrifying park do you walk in where strangers take a scalpel to your crotch? I've had a vasectomy now and I can tell you it was not nothing. It was definitely fucking something. It's not that it was horribly painful, it was mostly just uncomfortable. And not uncomfortable like I was embarrassed, I mean uncomfortable like the whole time the doctor was pulling cords and tubes and slicing things, in my head it was like "This feels wrong! This feels bad! Stop doing that!"  It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel good. Plus right before he sunk a giant needle in my balls the doctor said "So, I understand you're a comedian?" Fuck me, really? He also had another doctor observing which was nice. Lets get a few more people in the room to peer at my cowering manhood. At one point during the stitching he actually said to the other doctor "Well that's kinda ugly, but it should get the job done." Whoa! Hold on doc. First of all they should teach you in medical school you don't have to say every thought that pops into your head. It's not like after my surgery I needed to get back to my job as a scrotum model, but still I don't want "kinda ugly" balls. Nature already has provided that for all men, I don't need a doctor with poor sewing skills to make it worse. They look as ugly or as good as they ever did, just for the record. The healing process wasn't bad. A walk in the park even. A very, very, slow walk in the park. My doctor was a weirdo. At one point during the procedure I heard him say to the observing doctor "Kind of looks like Baklava doesn't it?"
 I said "What's Baklava?"
 Him "Well it's a layered Greek Pastry, they're delicious." 
 Me "And that's what it looks like down there?"
 Him "Yeah kind of. You should try Baklava sometime though, it's really good.

You never want a food recommendation from your surgeon. "Well, you have a tumor the size of a grapefruit. Have you ever had fresh grapefruit? It's quite good." Baklava might be amazing, but I'll never know because it's always going to be Greek Testicle cake to me. And probably you too now, I'm sorry.


Andrew R said...

I feel weird commenting on a blog about your balls but wow. What a weird doctor. "That'll do" was hilarious!

gabriel rutledge said...

Ha! Yeah I felt weird posting it, but it's the kind of honesty my "fans" demand from me.

Joe said...

I think you really missed the opportunity to throw a "that's what she said" in there after the ugly comment.