I'm in Battle Creek Michigan, which is a long way from my house in Olympia where I woke up at 3:35am. You should only pee or go to work at a bakery at that hour, everything else seems ridiculous. Especially driving to the airport. Travel plans seem impossible at 3:35am.
I'm at my house, how can I possibly be at Firekeepers Casino in Battle Creek Michigan by 7pm Eastern Time? Why should I even bother? Why do I even do comedy? This is not normal. I should go back to bed and wake up at a much more reasonable time, with a much more reasonable life.
Sometimes it takes the clarity of sleep deprivation to realize how preposterous the life of a road comic really is. When I first started comedy the dream of making people laugh for a living seemed almost noble. 10 years 35 states and a couple of TV credits later, sometimes it just seems kind of silly. Like being a professional bowler. We do wear similar shirts.
But I'm here. Three time zones from my son's first day of school, but I made it goddammit. I used to be better at doing shows tired. I didn't get here in time to eat, so I was running on a lot of coffee and a Starbucks Very Berry Coffee Cake I had at 5:30 am. I didn't bomb, but it took me about 10 minutes to wake myself and the crowd up. Maybe the crowd was distracted by the left side of my hair being shaped like the Southwest Airlines window I unsuccessfully tried to sleep on. Getting here was effort enough, I shouldn't be expected to be freshly showered or funny. 2nd show went better. During the 2nd show a drunk girl told me she had a tattoo of 2 stars on her ass. I said
"If I was with a girl who had 2 stars on ass I'd be thinking it was like a 2 star hotel. Like she was a Name Your Own Price girl I bid for on Priceline. I'd be like I guess this is ok, but I should have paid more and gotten a 3 star."
When you wake up early in the morning everything in your life has the sober harsh glare of reality on it. The benefit of being this tired at night is the exhaustion actually makes everything seems better. If you're tired enough, you don't need beer goggles. That 2 star tattoo joke is brilliant, my Quality Inn mattress feels incredible, the $5 footlong I'm eating from Subway tastes amazing, and being a professional bowler seems perfectly reasonable.