Thanks to the biblical plague of health symptoms I had to suffer through, last week was maybe my most miserable week ever on the road. I was in Tulsa Oklahoma, but it wasn't really Tulsa's fault. I got sick the week before in Edmonton, so I guess I'll blame Canada. I hate it when people try and find the origin of their sickness anyway, like annoying germ detectives. Everyone acts like the first person who got sick at work committed a crime. "Yeah and then I got the flu, thanks to fucking Cindy!" Like Cindy made out with a homeless guy then licked everyone's phones in the office, just to fuck with you. Someone gave it to Cindy anyway, how far back are you going to trace it? Maybe all the way back to when Eve got botulism from that forbidden fruit and fucked up Adam's weekend.
"Ladies do you have to eat everything?" -Daniel Tosh
So I had fevers, my throat hurt, I threw up once just for fun. I decided to go to an Urgent Care place in Tulsa. My $99 got me this helpful medical consultation.
Dr. "Well yeah, it definitely looks like you have something."
Me "I was kind of worried I might have strep throat."
Dr. "Well yeah, you definitely could. It's been going around."
Me. ".......is there a test or something?"
Dr. "Well yeah, that would be $40 more though. how about I just give you some antibiotics.
Me. "Ok, just give me the pills."
I wonder if that's how they give AIDS tests
"I was worried I have HIV."
"Well, yeah you might. Have you had sex with a lot of people? It's going around. You want some pills?"
I had to spend another $99 two days later because I got pink eye. Well probably. They gave me the medicine anyway. Pink eye is embarrassing to have. First of all because you have a pink eye. That's only sexy if you're about to turn into a werewolf. Pink eye also sucks because everyone seems to think you don't have access to your reflection and they feel obligated to tell you "Hey, I think you have pink eye." I told everyone "No I went to the doctor it's actually conjunctivitis." Conjunctivitis and pink eye are the same thing, but nobody seems to knows that. At least in Tulsa. So yeah rough week. I guess the shows went ok considering I had a messed up throat, fevers, and conjunctivitis. If I was a cocker spaniel Sarah McLachlan would have held me on her lap while she sang "Arms of an Angel."
I just hope nobody at the Loonybin in Tulsa has pink eye this week. "Thanks to fucking Gabriel!"