Monday, March 5, 2012

The Fresh Beat Band

Hopefully life has been kind to you and you have no idea who the Fresh Beat Band is, but if you watch Nick Jr. all day like we do at my house, life has not been kind to you. By the way, when I say we "watch Nick Jr. all day" what I meant was;
"My kid's don't really watch T.V. We like to really limit their screen time and encourage and develop their imagination with craft and science projects we do as a family. We find our kids would much rather read or journal than watch T.V. anyway."
There. Lying always feels better.
Here's the goddamn Fresh Beat Band

You hate them already right? Their names are Shout, Twist, Marina, and Kiki if you needed more hate help. The Fresh Beat Band is a show on Nick Jr. about a band of "kids" of an undetermined age who sing and dance their way out of life's troubles with pretty much those exact facial expressions plastered on their face at all times. Here's one of their hits

Hopefully you didn't listen to all of that. They changed Marina's awhile ago. Like I wouldn't notice. I noticed Fresh Beats.
They kicked out this fake drummer
 and got this one

I miss original Marina, she was the only thing I liked about the show. Maybe it's good she's gone though. No character on a kids show should be able to cause boners in adults. Jim Henson told me that once in a hot tub in Aspen.
 Twist is by far my least favorite part of the show and perhaps life.
He's 6ft 5 too. I'm not guessing either, I looked it up on his IMDB page, because I'm obsessed. You might be a nice guy Jon Beavers but you look ridiculous dancing around like a giant dork, pretending you know how to use a turntable. I guess I've only got room in my heart for one giant DJ on Nick Jr. and that would be DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba.

 Not a lot of people can pull off an all orange outfit and DJ Lance probably isn't one of them. Jack Black definitely isn't.

 DJ Lance is cool though. He isn't in an annoying all kid pop group. He's not even in a band, he hangs out with these things.
Somehow the expressions on their faces are still more lifelike than the ones frozen on the allegedly human Fresh Beat Band. Even the bumpy dildo with arms seems happy. On Yo Gabba Gabba they sing catchy songs like "Don't Bite Your Friends" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Those are valuable life lesson kids need to hear. I'm hoping DJ Lance eventually writes a "Watch the Knees and Elbows Around Daddy's Testicles" song and really helps me out. But until then crank this one up and pour out a little juice box in remembrance of original Marina. You are gone but not forgotten. May your next project bring you greater artistic fulfillment and partial nudity.


DiverDunham said...

I just found you rant on the fresh beat band and could not agree more. I also love yo gabba gabba. I thought you would find it interesting and maybe even a worth some material that DJ Lance Rock played the Coachella music festival in 2012. The Dance tent was so packed with stoned college aged kids I could not believe it. All the characters came on stage and the kids went nuts. Muno even appeard on stage with King Khan and the egyptians. I saw the characters throughout the day at different stages even in 100 degree plus heat. Talk about commitment to your craft.

haysfordays said...

Dude, very funny. Will be reading more of your stuff.